vienna waits for you

      I remember one of my last days working at Outback.  A few oddly dressed women had come in with a single man.  It did not take long for heads to turn and lips to murmur.  The word "prostitutes" was suddenly in the air.  In a generation that is so willing to give itself away in cheap ways, it still recognizes the irregularity of SELLING itself in cheap ways.  
      
      When I hear the word, I often think of dark street corners, fish nets, and flashy makeup.  I think God might have a larger view of the word, though.  The Bible mentions people who "prostituted" themselves to foreign idols, gods, etc.  Though we may not sell our bodies, I genuinely believe that we are often guilty of prostituting our hearts and our identities in Christ.  
    
      One definition of prostitute is, "a person who willingly uses his or her talent or ability in abase and unworthy way, usually for money." How often do we try to sell ourselves to people?  Rather than offering our hearts, thoughts, and friendship as a beautiful gift to a person, we wrap it all up in the most attractive packaging we can imagine, and then we start the bidding.  We namedrop to make our value go up; we spout off our goals and achievements; we select only the best or funniest details to share, all in the hopes that somebody will buy into our marketing and deem us valuable.  


    How sad that we often do not accept the price already paid, the very blood of Jesus Christ.  We twist our healthy, holy desire to be valued and so we try to sell ourselves.   
       
    A lot has led me to think about this recently.  I think the saddest thing about it all is that, much like a prostitute uses what was meant for true love, a gift... we too use what was meant as a gift from God, and a gift to be shared with others... and we try to see how high we can get others to price it.  Who you are is a gift from God, the embodiment of a piece of His heart... not an item on the shelf at the store, up for the first person to price it. 


   I have noticed a change in myself in the past year or so: I have gone from choosing friends based on who they seem to be, to choosing friends for who we are together.  I am done with trying to sell myself.  I have come to the decision that I will give the pieces of my heart with prayerful consideration, and not in a quest to win favor lest the very pieces God gave me be thus cheapened.  And I will take how people act around me as a direct reflection of my consideration of their needs. Do people feel loved and cherished, or do I make them feel as though we are in the midst of a competition which they must win to keep my affection? I will place my confidence completely in the Lord, allowing me to note better the comfortableness of others, rather than myself. I will love rather than sell.  

Let Me Just Tell 'Ya...

I like to write eloquent, well thought out.... things. This is not one. Beware. This is a mess. It is one of my struggles, but maybe it will help you, and maybe you can help me.

I am by nature an incredibly private person. I often find it hard to show people even my personality, let alone my scars, wounds, and especially the whole of my story.  It is a struggle that I have come so far in, but it has recently carried into a new form.
 
The past year, I have found myself caught between two things that Jesus said in Matthew 5-6.   When God has shown me something in His Word, spoken it to my heart, helped me to overcome something, or helped me to fast or come up with wonderful ideas, etc... I have been extremely hesitant to share with anyone. And when I say extremely, I mean I have pretty much not shared any of these things with anyone.  In fact, I have stressed my struggles and hardships without sharing my victories.  I did not want to share out of a sense of pride in "my own" capabilities, wisdom, etc.

 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden.  Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.  In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven."
Matthew 5:14-16

"Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven." Matthew 6:1
I was (and still am, somewhat) caught up in the midst of a huge process of testing my own heart.  Am I sharing, like in Matthew 5, for the glory of GOD, and to help his people? Or am I sharing for my own righteousness to be seen? I do not know if I will ever be completely finished with this process... if I will be, I can say it will be a complete miracle. But I AM engaging in it. And I think this is something that many people in the church need to also engage in. 

In what way are you shining the light that God has given you? Upwards toward God, or on your own face? Please, test your heart.  The same exact words of wisdom can carry power, or be empty.  Why? It depends on if God is in them. Heed these words that Jesus gave us... be careful about putting your righteousness on display, because it takes focus away from the goodness of God and the help that people can get. If you are doing it to His glory, or for the help of others, GO FOR IT.

This means that it is our job, though, to honor those people who are serving God in the closet... Not out of shame, but out of honor to God.  This is the next step of the journey I am trying to take.  Find those people who have the balance, and give them the respect that I have been wanting to take. 

I must admit I am somewhat writing this out of frustration with people who consistantly put themselves on display. I must likewise admit that a piece of my heart is still hoping to get props for this blog.  Most importantly, I must admit that I still need help in this process. If anyone reading this has anymore wisdom on the subject, please, please share it. This is something I have been wanting to write about for a very long time, but my heart was completely wrong in the beginning. Please pray that I can continue to hold on sharing until I can do it for His glory... while still sharing.