"Sit yo butt down, son" -GOD

Hello little followers, thanks for coming.  

As goes my tradition, I would like to write a little something that has been... not necessarily easy for me. 

Exodus 24

 ¹² The LORD said to Moses, “Come up to me on the mountain and stay here, and I will give you the tablets of stone with the law and commandments I have written for their instruction.”

 ¹³ Then Moses set out with Joshua his aide, and Moses went up on the mountain of God. ¹⁴ He said to the elders, “Wait here for us until we come back to you. Aaron and Hur are with you, and anyone involved in a dispute can go to them.”

 ¹⁵ When Moses went up on the mountain, the cloud covered it, ¹⁶ and the glory of the LORD settled on Mount Sinai. For six days the cloud covered the mountain, and on the seventh day the LORD called to Moses from within the cloud. ¹⁷ To the Israelites the glory of the LORD looked like a consuming fire on top of the mountain. ¹⁸ Then Moses entered the cloud as he went on up the mountain. And he stayed on the mountain forty days and forty nights.

In The Great Divorce, C.S. Lewis sets up a problem that I believe plagues not only the Church, but the world. A man who had been an artist sees what is essentially the outer rim of heaven. As an artist, his first instinct is to paint the amazing beauty he sees. In a long discussion, he is basically told, "You painted in the past so that you could express to the world the beauty that you saw that they didn't. You don't need to do that anymore." Unfortunately, the man had lost the initial beauty for the beauty of the reproduction. 

How often do e want to come down off the mountain of the presence of God to tell others? It seems a pure enough goal, right? Tell everyone what the Lord has done! 

The problem with this is that we often want to come out of the presence prematurely. We gain the smallest moment of the presence of God and want to leave.  Why? It is difficult. It isn't easy to sit there and be patient.  Moses was in the presence for 40 days... I can only imagine a 21st century human without technology and such, sitting on a mountain of His presence for 40 days, and 6 days before that as well!

But I digress. The point of my little soapbox is to encourage you: stay in the presence. Don't come out until God is done imparting.  Otherwise, you will not have enough to over pour, enough to last you. What you communicate to others will only be a bit of the presence and the majority of your impatience and human excitement.  Wait. Pause. Sit down, homie. 

Before this passage, the Lord gave the 10 commandments, one of which was to have a day of rest every Sabbath.  But not HUMAN rest, GOD'S REST... this is the part we so often ignore.  

 “Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. ⁹ Six days you shall labor and do all your work, ¹⁰ but the seventh day is a sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your male or female servant, nor your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns. ¹¹ For in six days the LORD made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy."

  Hebrews talks about the faith required to enter the rest and says, "for anyone who enters God's rest ALSO rests from his own work." It's about ENTERING into rest, not EXITING work.  You can refrain from work without entering into the presence. The Israelites wanted to hear what God said, but didn't want to hear it directly from God. They wanted Moses to be a liaison. They didn't want to go onto the mountain of His Presence. What happened? So very quickly they made idols. Moses was chillaxin with GOD and they were fooling around with gold. 

So make sure you aren't seeking God just so you can transcribe what He says. Don't merely want to be the image of God for selfish gain, but sit down in His presence. magnify HIM. Sacrifice your desired images, and let His overtake it all. Then the fullness of the Lord will come out and your gaze will still be locked on Him. Your reward won't be in a fake reproduction, but in Heaven. 

Do You Want Me?

What love is this?

Just six months ago, I was in Africa.  Africa.  My dream come true.  This was where my heart was! Even though I had never been there, my heart had made the jump long before.  And yet, when my body finally followed, I found it to be not quite as thrilled. It subsequently dragged along my mind and heart to look at this beautiful continent as a a check mark on my to do list.  The conditions were not exactly what I desired, and so I excused myself mentally.  I would preach to the best of my ability, work hard, but not be invested that much..

But to this day, one day that I spent in a small village in Uganda haunts me.

Me and my ATL, Richelle, were preaching at a church.  After her sermon, we were asked to pray for people.  I went about it as a small checklist for the day. Get through all the people, get lunch, do more ministry, then SLEEP.  But Richelle didn't. God used her, spoke through her, and He touched hearts through her.  I took note of this and tried to tap in. Shortly we were done and went outside.

A little girl ran up to me with tattered clothing, and I held her in my arms.  I asked her what her name was, and the translator informed me that her name literally meant "Twin." I said, "What a beautiful name!" And then it came... a few words which would rip open my heart.

"Do you want me?"

So many thoughts flooded my mind. Do I want you? Why do you need somebody to want you? What kind of world do we live in that this precious little girl would ask a complete stranger if she would want her? Where were her parents? -- why was she left to ask for somebody to take her??  I was horrified.

I looked at this most beautiful girl and said, "Of course I want you!! But I cannot have you."

What ugly, plain words.

I thought, what if I could have brought her back to the US? Would I have? Would I have sacrificed so much to change the life of a child?

I do not know.  I like to think I would have, but I do not know.  What I do know, is that when I think of things like Uganda, like South America, or Asia, and all the need- I think of how badly I want to go! How my heart aches to hold that lovely little child and say, "Yes dear, I want you, and you can come live with me and never have to be afraid again!"

but i'm not there. i'm here. in my dorm room in the united states.
my flesh is just the same.  just the same as it was in africa.
but the need is just the same. somewhere in this city, a little girl, much like the one who stole my heart, is crying out, "who wants me?"
but what have i done to find the american counterpart to my dear african child?
the need is the same, just with a different mask.

what are we going to do about it? what am i going to do about it?

deep blue deep blue

I feel I'm sinking
Sinking in this deep blue sea
The waves are overtaking
Overtaking me

I want to swim free
Swim so carelessly
But that has never been the case
Not for me

I think I'm drowning
Drowning in this deep blue sea
I think I'm letting go
Letting go of me

But then I look around
Look around to see
You are the deep blue sea
Deep blue sea holding me

Let me sink
Let me drown
Let me let go of me
In this deep blue sea

The "C" Word. And the "R" word.

What "c" word is she talking about?, you wonder. Just wait and see, my friends. 

I have seen the effect of the c word on my friends: those who have taken ahold of it possess something I so desire.  Their lives look different than those of anybody else I know.  They are few and far between but their influence is obvious on those around them.  They are the ones who have captured the attention of God. They are the ones who I truly believe God sees, as in 2 Chronicles, "For the eyes of the LORD range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him." (Haha and you thought the word is committed... WRONG, sucka.) 

Those who have not taken ahold of this, well... their lives still look vastly different than the world, and yet... it is not the same. They are loved by God just the same. They desire to do His will, and yet it seems to never be in full fruition. 

So what is it (and this is where everyone clicks off the page. please do not.)? Consecration. 

Consecration.  "Dedication to the service and worship of a deity." 

Dedication.  "Complete and wholehearted devotion."

It sounds cool. "God, I am going to consecrate myself to You!" This is so easy to say when His presence is felt emotionally, spiritually, or even physically.  It is easy when you AGREE and can SEE THE POINT of what He is telling you to do.  

If this was the fullness of consecration, then we would have no need to be told to do it. 

Consecration (or sub obedience) is for when... WE DON'T WANT TO DO IT, OR WHEN IT SEEMS HARMLESS.

I was shocked last week. I decided to go on an adventure with a friend, and what neither of us knew, was that what would take place that night was less than honoring to God.  Hilarious, yet, obviously wrong. 

I objected. It was kind of in a funny way, unfortunately, and I was ignored.  This was not the disturbing part. When I told people about it afterwards, most people were like, "OH MY GOSH I WANT TO DO THAT!" Stunned, I would reply, "But... it's wrong." The response? "It is small... it doesn't matter." 

But these things do matter.  It isn't about the fact that we might not see the point, or that what we did may not have GREATLY affected others... God told us not to do what was done that night, but we chose our own morality over His.

1 John 5:3

In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands.

I've been told before that people appreciated me because I did not freak out about the "small" things. I told dirty jokes, I made sarcastic and rude comments, I watched things on TV I should not have. And, yes, I still struggle with all of these things. But what did that mean? If I was only willing to give God the big things, but not the "small" things? I would argue that the small things are actually a lot bigger than the "big" things.  

So where does grace come into this? It is not a matter of making mistakes. I am the worst- I make mistakes constantly after I decide not to do something. What I am talking about is intentional disobedience in things we consider not important enough to be obeyed. Maybe this is too harsh, but seriously- that is what you are saying essentially. It is, "God, I know this is not pleasing to you, but it is small and I want it so my desires are more important right now." Idolatry. 

^{Luke 16:} 

¹⁰ “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. ¹¹ So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? 

True riches.  Revival.  Living and walking in the presence and power of God... 

Just dwell upon that. Are the "small" things worth true riches? Or shall we deny ourselves, pick up our "small" crosses, and honor God?

annoyed

Lately a desire has been renewed within me: to go off into the woods for about a week. I would take only with me my Bible and a notebook and an iPod. And perhaps a gun and cheeseburger.  This desire is not because I am holy, but because I feel so unholy.  I am brought down by this flesh daily. Yes, the Lord captures my heart most days, but am I truly listening to Him constantly?
I am coming to truly hate this world. It draws at me, when I would really just be done with it. There is nothing for me in it, yet it entices me with the appearance of grandeur, with its ever-fading beauty.  It seems to keep my attention in a way that grips me on such a consistent basis. I have to fight to go back into the presence of God, which is not long enough maintained...
I am kind of wrestling with God. I am so upset at Him that He won't just come meet me in the flesh, come answer my questions (which are all about who He is... that I could know Him!), let me hear His voice... Like, is that so hard? The disciples got it! The multitudes got to see Him, and hear Him. Why not I??
I have this theory. When Jesus spoke of the Holy Spirit, He said that it was good that He was leaving and the Holy Spirit was coming. My take on that is it requires us to dive into the spiritual to listen to Him, to know Him, to embark on the adventure of finding Him.  We can't live by the flesh to know the Spirit.  But it's FRUSTRATING!!
My answer? Like Jon Thurlow, "I will embrace the ache of a lovesick heart."
Lord, help me deny myself and know You.

vienna waits for you

      I remember one of my last days working at Outback.  A few oddly dressed women had come in with a single man.  It did not take long for heads to turn and lips to murmur.  The word "prostitutes" was suddenly in the air.  In a generation that is so willing to give itself away in cheap ways, it still recognizes the irregularity of SELLING itself in cheap ways.  
      
      When I hear the word, I often think of dark street corners, fish nets, and flashy makeup.  I think God might have a larger view of the word, though.  The Bible mentions people who "prostituted" themselves to foreign idols, gods, etc.  Though we may not sell our bodies, I genuinely believe that we are often guilty of prostituting our hearts and our identities in Christ.  
    
      One definition of prostitute is, "a person who willingly uses his or her talent or ability in abase and unworthy way, usually for money." How often do we try to sell ourselves to people?  Rather than offering our hearts, thoughts, and friendship as a beautiful gift to a person, we wrap it all up in the most attractive packaging we can imagine, and then we start the bidding.  We namedrop to make our value go up; we spout off our goals and achievements; we select only the best or funniest details to share, all in the hopes that somebody will buy into our marketing and deem us valuable.  


    How sad that we often do not accept the price already paid, the very blood of Jesus Christ.  We twist our healthy, holy desire to be valued and so we try to sell ourselves.   
       
    A lot has led me to think about this recently.  I think the saddest thing about it all is that, much like a prostitute uses what was meant for true love, a gift... we too use what was meant as a gift from God, and a gift to be shared with others... and we try to see how high we can get others to price it.  Who you are is a gift from God, the embodiment of a piece of His heart... not an item on the shelf at the store, up for the first person to price it. 


   I have noticed a change in myself in the past year or so: I have gone from choosing friends based on who they seem to be, to choosing friends for who we are together.  I am done with trying to sell myself.  I have come to the decision that I will give the pieces of my heart with prayerful consideration, and not in a quest to win favor lest the very pieces God gave me be thus cheapened.  And I will take how people act around me as a direct reflection of my consideration of their needs. Do people feel loved and cherished, or do I make them feel as though we are in the midst of a competition which they must win to keep my affection? I will place my confidence completely in the Lord, allowing me to note better the comfortableness of others, rather than myself. I will love rather than sell.  

Let Me Just Tell 'Ya...

I like to write eloquent, well thought out.... things. This is not one. Beware. This is a mess. It is one of my struggles, but maybe it will help you, and maybe you can help me.

I am by nature an incredibly private person. I often find it hard to show people even my personality, let alone my scars, wounds, and especially the whole of my story.  It is a struggle that I have come so far in, but it has recently carried into a new form.
 
The past year, I have found myself caught between two things that Jesus said in Matthew 5-6.   When God has shown me something in His Word, spoken it to my heart, helped me to overcome something, or helped me to fast or come up with wonderful ideas, etc... I have been extremely hesitant to share with anyone. And when I say extremely, I mean I have pretty much not shared any of these things with anyone.  In fact, I have stressed my struggles and hardships without sharing my victories.  I did not want to share out of a sense of pride in "my own" capabilities, wisdom, etc.

 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden.  Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.  In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven."
Matthew 5:14-16

"Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven." Matthew 6:1
I was (and still am, somewhat) caught up in the midst of a huge process of testing my own heart.  Am I sharing, like in Matthew 5, for the glory of GOD, and to help his people? Or am I sharing for my own righteousness to be seen? I do not know if I will ever be completely finished with this process... if I will be, I can say it will be a complete miracle. But I AM engaging in it. And I think this is something that many people in the church need to also engage in. 

In what way are you shining the light that God has given you? Upwards toward God, or on your own face? Please, test your heart.  The same exact words of wisdom can carry power, or be empty.  Why? It depends on if God is in them. Heed these words that Jesus gave us... be careful about putting your righteousness on display, because it takes focus away from the goodness of God and the help that people can get. If you are doing it to His glory, or for the help of others, GO FOR IT.

This means that it is our job, though, to honor those people who are serving God in the closet... Not out of shame, but out of honor to God.  This is the next step of the journey I am trying to take.  Find those people who have the balance, and give them the respect that I have been wanting to take. 

I must admit I am somewhat writing this out of frustration with people who consistantly put themselves on display. I must likewise admit that a piece of my heart is still hoping to get props for this blog.  Most importantly, I must admit that I still need help in this process. If anyone reading this has anymore wisdom on the subject, please, please share it. This is something I have been wanting to write about for a very long time, but my heart was completely wrong in the beginning. Please pray that I can continue to hold on sharing until I can do it for His glory... while still sharing.