Lately a desire has been renewed within me: to go off into the woods for about a week. I would take only with me my Bible and a notebook and an iPod. And perhaps a gun and cheeseburger. This desire is not because I am holy, but because I feel so unholy. I am brought down by this flesh daily. Yes, the Lord captures my heart most days, but am I truly listening to Him constantly?
I am coming to truly hate this world. It draws at me, when I would really just be done with it. There is nothing for me in it, yet it entices me with the appearance of grandeur, with its ever-fading beauty. It seems to keep my attention in a way that grips me on such a consistent basis. I have to fight to go back into the presence of God, which is not long enough maintained...
I am kind of wrestling with God. I am so upset at Him that He won't just come meet me in the flesh, come answer my questions (which are all about who He is... that I could know Him!), let me hear His voice... Like, is that so hard? The disciples got it! The multitudes got to see Him, and hear Him. Why not I??
I have this theory. When Jesus spoke of the Holy Spirit, He said that it was good that He was leaving and the Holy Spirit was coming. My take on that is it requires us to dive into the spiritual to listen to Him, to know Him, to embark on the adventure of finding Him. We can't live by the flesh to know the Spirit. But it's FRUSTRATING!!
My answer? Like Jon Thurlow, "I will embrace the ache of a lovesick heart."
Lord, help me deny myself and know You.
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