Do You Want Me?

What love is this?

Just six months ago, I was in Africa.  Africa.  My dream come true.  This was where my heart was! Even though I had never been there, my heart had made the jump long before.  And yet, when my body finally followed, I found it to be not quite as thrilled. It subsequently dragged along my mind and heart to look at this beautiful continent as a a check mark on my to do list.  The conditions were not exactly what I desired, and so I excused myself mentally.  I would preach to the best of my ability, work hard, but not be invested that much..

But to this day, one day that I spent in a small village in Uganda haunts me.

Me and my ATL, Richelle, were preaching at a church.  After her sermon, we were asked to pray for people.  I went about it as a small checklist for the day. Get through all the people, get lunch, do more ministry, then SLEEP.  But Richelle didn't. God used her, spoke through her, and He touched hearts through her.  I took note of this and tried to tap in. Shortly we were done and went outside.

A little girl ran up to me with tattered clothing, and I held her in my arms.  I asked her what her name was, and the translator informed me that her name literally meant "Twin." I said, "What a beautiful name!" And then it came... a few words which would rip open my heart.

"Do you want me?"

So many thoughts flooded my mind. Do I want you? Why do you need somebody to want you? What kind of world do we live in that this precious little girl would ask a complete stranger if she would want her? Where were her parents? -- why was she left to ask for somebody to take her??  I was horrified.

I looked at this most beautiful girl and said, "Of course I want you!! But I cannot have you."

What ugly, plain words.

I thought, what if I could have brought her back to the US? Would I have? Would I have sacrificed so much to change the life of a child?

I do not know.  I like to think I would have, but I do not know.  What I do know, is that when I think of things like Uganda, like South America, or Asia, and all the need- I think of how badly I want to go! How my heart aches to hold that lovely little child and say, "Yes dear, I want you, and you can come live with me and never have to be afraid again!"

but i'm not there. i'm here. in my dorm room in the united states.
my flesh is just the same.  just the same as it was in africa.
but the need is just the same. somewhere in this city, a little girl, much like the one who stole my heart, is crying out, "who wants me?"
but what have i done to find the american counterpart to my dear african child?
the need is the same, just with a different mask.

what are we going to do about it? what am i going to do about it?

deep blue deep blue

I feel I'm sinking
Sinking in this deep blue sea
The waves are overtaking
Overtaking me

I want to swim free
Swim so carelessly
But that has never been the case
Not for me

I think I'm drowning
Drowning in this deep blue sea
I think I'm letting go
Letting go of me

But then I look around
Look around to see
You are the deep blue sea
Deep blue sea holding me

Let me sink
Let me drown
Let me let go of me
In this deep blue sea