... but I will praise You.

      I've literally tried to write this blog countless times the past few months, all with different ideas about the subject. But tonight, David helped me. Tonight David is my favorite lover of God in the Bible. 
   
       He was emotional. He asked God to destroy his enemies. He asked God where he was when he couldn't find him.  He was raw. He was real.  But he always brought it back to "I will praise You."
 
      Most of you may say perfection is unattainable, but I have developed the perfect system the past couple years in what has been one of my favorite experiences of my life- being a chaplain.  So here it is, the key to being a good Christian (I should probably hold onto it and get a book deal, but that's ok- I will give the secret of heaven at no charge) -- show your present weaknesses to those in leadership over you, your past weaknesses and current strengths to those you are leading.  Really, it's great.
     Only it isn't. I don't know why, but something about it didn't work.  Nobody was getting the full picture of who I was, who I am.  I developed this sense of inferiority around my leaders because I never let them see my strengths, the things I was proud of.  Similarly, I developed a sense of pride around everyone else- not that I was better, but I saw the best of myself when with them.  I continually saw myself through the eyes of those with whom I was spending time, and not through the eyes of God.  I was filtering everything so consciously.
      The past year has been perhaps one of the most difficult of my life.  One thing I have greatly desired for the past few years was practically (unknowingly) rubbed in front of my face (if one can unknowingly rub something in front of someone's face?) for a whole semester... which made me think of all the other things so dearly tied to that in my heart. Things I haven't had that most people do.  And my heart began to break.  I got stressed out.  I felt like I couldn't be real about it, because I had this idea that Christians have this certain alloted time of brokenness. You get, say two weeks to be broken, but dude- you gotta be good to go after that.  If it hurts anymore, you aren't surrendered. You clearly have not made God the center.  Throw in a ton of random health issues that seriously came from the middle of freaking nowhere (don't worry- I'm mostly good now, and apparently a ton of it was due to... gluten. Yeah, definitely did NOT see that one coming).
     God does miracles.  And while I'm sure at somepoint tomorrow I will be upset and disagree with this- I think one of His miracles is allowing us to be fully human.  To feel things deeply, to feel raw things.  To be touched to the core.  And to say, "but I will praise You."
    (Now, I must temporarily cut myself off and take responsibility for much of this season.  While I stand by what I am saying, there is a difference between not denying real problems and pain, and dwelling in them. I think I've jumped that line quite a few times this year.)
    I don't know, I guess what I'm saying is I think sometimes we get skewed ideas of what it is to be a follower of Christ.  Sometimes we act like it means pretending problems aren't problems because we serve the King. As if we act that something isn't there, He will make it go away.  I really don't think that's what faith is.  I think faith, joy, etc. is in saying, "God this is what's going on and this is how I feel about it and this is what I want You to do and my idea of how You would do it, but whatever You do... I know You are God. I will praise You." I think, and maybe I'm wrong... but I think ignoring very real pains in the name of faith or joy or whatever else... is the very opposite of faith.  It's taking it into your hands when God's peace is "beyond understanding." 
    
   So I will seek God. I will seek what He has for me. I will be real. I won't seek to rush the process.  And I will praise my Lord.